Your Attachment Style Isn’t Fixed.

A therapist explains a common misconception about attachment

Myth: "I'm anxiously attached — that's just who I am."

Many people believe attachment style is a fixed personality trait that defines every relationship. Yes, you probably trend towards one style, but it’s more complex than that.

Reality: Research shows your attachment style can vary from one relationship to another — and even shift within the same relationship over time.

You might be secure with a close friend, anxious with a partner, and avoidant with a parent.

Your attachment style can look completely different depending on the relationship, for instance:

With your partner:

You might feel anxious — checking your phone, seeking reassurance, worrying about emotional distance.

With your best friend:

You might feel secure — open, trusting, comfortable being vulnerable without fear of judgment.

With a parent:

You might become dismissing — emotionally distant, self-reliant, reluctant to show vulnerability.

Why Do Styles Shift?

Bartholomew proposed that we develop internal working models of self and others that can differ in each relationship.

Your model of "self with mom" may be different from "self with partner."

You may feel good about yourself in certain relationships, and negative about yourself in others.

You may feel safe with certain people, and unsafe with others.

These situational feelings impact how your attachment patterns manifest.

Bartholomew's four-quadrant model of attachment:

You're Not One Dot — You're a Map

With this model, you may occupy different quadrants within different relationships

Interested in exploring these themes together?

I work with clients in Colorado, Texas, and Florida.

Reach out via the contact page if interested.

Morgan Rutter, LPC